“There are no boundary breakers, only boundary makers” Pete Scazzero

I have been turning this quote over in my mind for a couple of weeks and it has intrigued me. Pete Scazzero wrote “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality” (Zondervan, 2006) and is somewhat of an expert on boundary setting in relationships. But that is not how I learned about boundaries back in the earlier years of my marriage when beginning to pay attention to boundary violating events. As soon as I got married I started to learn about boundaries because my wife was calling me out either verbally or non verbally for my problematic behaviors. My anger taken out on her, my demands that grew out of expectations of her, my “rights” superseding hers with regard to what we watch on television or where we go to eat or whose side of the family gets priority.

Then I read 1 Peter 3.7, “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” I don’t know about “weaker vessel” because my wife is tough minded, ignores typical female emotional issues and can quite often get the best of me physically (especially if she resorts to tickling). But I was very convicted by this verse and then moved to be understanding with my wife. By “moved” I mean the Holy Spirit left a deep impression on my heart and in my soul about my role and responsibility as a husband that is with me today, decades later. I saw that I was a boundary violator and my wife had to be a boundary setter. I see also that i only learn by doing: I either violate a boundary and have to make amends or a boundary gets crossed and I have to be a boundary setter. People, born into the fallen world and fallen by nature, run over the boundaries of others or are run over themselves. Power struggles are inherent in relationships by virtue of the curse of sin (Genesis 3.16b, Romans 8.5-8, 20-22, Galatians 5.13-17 ESV).

Thus, “there are no boundary breakers” can simply mean that the whole world, people and all their relationships, are broken and there are no boundaries until someone sets the limit with another. To expect another to see and honor my limits is unrealistic if everything is broken. The expectation becomes a demand and then a battle and then we are violating each other’s boundaries. Boundaries must be set within myself first and then with others. I mean, I must have the expectation of myself as a person who honors the personal limits of another if i know them. Then I must practice gracious words when the other calls me out or violates some limit in my life that I see as necessary. Only the Spirit of Christ in us can teach us these things because only He can transform me into wanting to be like Jesus toward you. “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Repay no one evil for, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all” (Romans 12. 14, 17 ESV). Amen